There is just an empty husk where a person use to be

A Truth

Sometimes Late At Night I Feel Truly and Hopelessly Alone

Thoughts On My Mind

I want to write a book called “A Lesson in Humanity” It will be centered around the stories of those who gave so much to help others, as well as my own journey to help, love and achieve.

Life’s good because I realize I don’t need you or anyone.

No one can stop me.

Wish my mind would shut down for once

You can’t misinterpret silence

Take all the pain, the hurt, the suffering & channel it. Channel it into good. Rise up above and show everyone that they can’t take you down

Remember: You owe no one shit, the only person you owe it to is you.

Rebel With A Cause

One of these days, someday soon I am just going to pick up and leave. Move far away from it all and just disappear for a few years.

Sometimes the end result is more than worth all the pain, suffering and mental stress. If you never reach the end? Than you have no regrets.

Who we are is defined by what we are at our weakest moments

On average someone dies ever 3 seconds. Every two seconds someone is born. For ever great loss/tragedy a miracle happens and then some.

The simple things in life mean the most to me.

The simple things in life mean the most to me.

Even when your journey takes you far away. I am always with you. You can find me in your heart and mind just as surely as I can find you in mine.

Whenever you lose sight of the road. When all seems lost, look into your heart. There you will find me and there you will find your way. And you will realize you knew the way all along.

Sometimes, you have to give up on people. Not because you don’t care but because they don’t.

What Have You Done Today?

One problem with today’s society… everything a person perceived to be worth is measured in intelligence, possessions or money, what is almost never measured is the amount for people to care and show compassion. If you measure worth on this scale, this 9 year old boy is worth more than a whole lot of us put together.

My Drive and Conviction

When I set my eyes on something, I never give up. I never let down and I keep going until I get whatever it is I sent my mind on, done. While this usually is a good trait to have; I am finding when it comes to certain things it sucks. As a result no matter how much it hurts or how long it takes, I know you are someone I want in my life. I am always going to keep trying. It’s just who I am.

Duality of What Makes a Man, a Man.

So I sit here right now, writing. Generally when I write, I write about feelings and thoughts that I have been having. In today’s society this is considered something not  at all manly. Today as per my usual routine I was reading today’s Cracked Articles. The article that I enjoyed the most and instantly captured my attention was this one: As you can read in the URL the title is “5 Gender Stereotypes That Used to be Exact Opposite”. This made me think about myself and where I stand in today’s society. I have a tattoo of an Eagle on my bicep. I lift, I am into sports, I am in a fraternity and I aspire to be a Navy SEAL. These things are hard to argue against being manly. The other side of me though is I am an intellectual and I am more aware with my emotions than other males. I tend to think of myself as nice, sweet and real. On the other side I can be extremely protective, I can get jealous and when I get mad, I really get mad, all things generally attributed to being manly. It is interesting to read this article and notice that general things like crying (as seen in Odysseus) and writing out your feelings romantically were once considered acts of manliness. This one girl I know, I cannot stop myself from complimenting her. I could write pages (and I have) about her beauty, her great personality and just how simply amazing she is. I compliment her daily, and I mean every word. I am not in love with her, but for some reason just making her smile and the actions I make toward her that would be perceived as courting just make me happy. Even if nothing comes out of it, I could court her all day everyday and I would be content. I feel like showing her this side of me, the side of emotion, the side of me that is awestruck by her beauty and smitten by her as a person is not manly, and is not something that she is looking for in a man. I am not proposing I am going to change for her but I mean it is a small insecurity I have. I digress though, for this post is not suppose to be about this girl, for whom when I got into a fight with once, could not stand a full 10 minutes without feeling dead inside.

I guess my dilemma comes from the fact that I still do not know where I fit in in life. At my Eagle Scout Court of Honor I was told by my family that I was destined for great things. To see the amount of hope they have in me was really humbling. They all told me that something I do will be in a book someday, and that they are all so proud of me and cannot wait to see what I will do. I am tired though of all this preparation to do great things. I am getting impatient I guess. In high school I could not wait to graduate and get to college. Now that I am in college I cannot wait to graduate a year early and graduate from here. I want to get out in the world and start doing something. I cannot wait for my trip to Tanzania, to undertake the Journey of Hope, enlist and then become a doctor. I just want out. I just want to get away. Count down T-minus 2 years, my Journey begins…. 

I was going to end this but I just had a realization, no matter what the subject matter of my posts, they always end the same. With me determined as ever to accomplish my goals and make a difference.

My Morning April 15, 2012

For the past month or so I have been having this reoccurring dream: it starts out with me signing my recruitment forms and going to Coronado Naval Base to train as a SEAL. My dream includes the various challenges BUD/S includes and each of these challenges I fight through and pass. I earn my Officer Commission and soon my dream takes me to some time in the future during my service in the SEAL. I am out on this mission with me leading my team. It is a group of men I have come to love and know as family. Together we are inseparable and we are some of our nation’s best men. I have found my place. During this mission though something goes wrong. The situation gets out of control, and we are in danger of failing the mission. Suddenly I have an idea. However, it involves breaking one of the most sacred SEAL tenants in our Code of Honor: “Leave No Man Behind.” We weigh the options and we agree that breaking this tenant is less of an issue than not completing the mission. There is enemy fire everywhere and time is running out. Each of my men wants to be the one to stay behind. I look to each one of them. Most are much younger than me, and all have a wife or girlfriend and kids waiting for them at home. Before each mission I always told my men that if they followed me I would take care of them and make sure they would make it home safe. It is not a promise I am willing to break now. I defiantly tell them I will be the one staying behind. Protests rise up and I quell them. I take one last look at them and order them to make it back to the extraction point. They are gone and I turn to face to enemy.

Next scene: it is a beautiful sunny day. The warm sun is basking rolling hills of bright green grass. I am no longer viewing this scene from my own eyes though. I am overlooking a funeral procession in Arlington National Cemetery.  The Marine Corps Honor Guard follows a coffin. In turn they are followed up by other service men and women. I can see a few in civilian dress among the procession. The procession makes their way to the top of a hill. This hill is void of other graves except for one at the top. The coffin makes it way to the grave site. The ceremony begins. I see members of my team approach the coffin and each of them punch into its cover, their SEAL trident. I wonder who has died. The coffin has lowered and the person being buried receives a 21 gun salute. The mourners leave. I am now viewing the scene from my own eyes again. I see my team and family around the grave site. I approach them to ask what is wrong, but they do not hear me. I look down to read the inscription on the tombstone. It reads Captain Spencer O. Hess. United States Navy SEAL. Medal of Honor Recipient. Below my date of birth and date of death says the inscription “So others may live”. The date of my death is obscured to me. I wake up crying.

This morning I had this dream again for probably the 10th time. I woke up and got dressed and ran up to Sleeping Giant. I found the precipice overlooking Quinnipiac University and I got into my meditation stance. It was silent. I breathed deep and thought about this dream and a few other things. I do not know how long I was there for. When I opened my eyes I saw the sun rising over Connecticut. A hawk landed in a tree not 10 feet from me looked at me and screeched. Being surrounded in this beauty of the natural world I had a  few realizations. I come from a line of military servicemen. All of them have come back alive. I cannot shake this feeling that when I go, I will not be coming back. Something, whether it is God, the Spirit World of my Native ancestors or some other power that I cannot fully comprehend, something is trying to tell me that I will not make it back. My second realization was that I am OK with that happening to me. I would gladly give my life away to save others, and to protect my country. My third realization was that no one is going to stop me from becoming a SEAL no matter how hard it is or gets. No one is holding me back, no man or woman. I have a date with destiny and I would hate to disappoint. “The Only Easy Day was Yesterday”.

There are a lot of people who need help. Many can be helped by doing simple things for them. Others need a much more involved approach. There are still others who need a professional. Then there is the fourth group of people. These are those who cannot be helped. This does not reflect poorly upon those who seek to help; it is simply because the person does not want help, or refuses to see that they need it. Until those people make a change in themselves to go out and get the help they need they remain impossible. Its the sad truth and it hurts to see people like that throw away their friends, their lives and their family. These are the people that I hope one day realize the monsters they have become and learn to be human again. Until then I will keep helping those I can and welcome those I can’t back when they are ready to make a change.

Thoughts and Feelings Over the Last Few Days

I preach compassion and respect, but if you ever harm another human being out of hate or because they are different: I just became your worst enemy.

At our darkest and most difficult times we find out who we really are. What our souls are composed of & what we are willing to do to succeed

Respect everyone you meet, because they are human, they matter. Unless they do something inhuman, then feel free to lessen your respect.

Tell someone they are beautiful everyday.

Take a chance. Don’t live a life full of what ifs.

Love who you are. There is only one of you, and that makes you pretty damn important.